Nothing is as admirable, nor fashionable, than originality — yet in our never ending quest for the original, we often stumble upon the unwelcome, and far too often ugly, remake. The impostor, the imitator, the great pretender… No matter how good a remake may be, it will always be just that. A re hashing of someone else’s creativity.
Let’s celebrate the worst of the worst.
Halloween
A film that defined, and inspired a genre. John Carpenter’s Halloween may not have been the first Slasher but it is without doubt the most iconic. This seminal thriller was shot with such brutal honesty creating a timeless classic that need never be remade. Fast forward to 2007 and step right up Rob Zombie. As a lifelong horror fan himself, he should have known better than to mess with, what is essentially, blood-curdling perfection. Michael Myers, the knife-wielding, mask-wearing super villain, is introduced to us in the original as a young child, dressed in a clown suit, living with his loving family in a ‘normal’ neighbourhood who out of the blue stabs his older sister to death. The genius of this being the chilling realisation that, perhaps, evil is just born and not created — unlike in Zombie’s remake, where young Myers lives with his prostitute, drug-taking mother who he regularly sees being violently abused by her clients. In this instance, is it so surprising that a child surrounded by such ugly violence would turn to violence himself? Combine this with Zombie’s attempt to create a pointless backstory and completely strip away the myth that surrounds Myers, this film is instantly less terrifying and lacking the character of the original.
A Nightmare On Elm Street
After the runaway success of the Saw franchise, plenty of directors jumped on the gore bandwagon — and while it might work for some horrors lacking in depth and substance, it ain’t gonna work on a Wes Craven, the Godfather of all Slashers, original. His version was dark, uncomfortable, and edge-of-your-seat horrifying. But the 2010 remake? Well, it was what no horror movie can ever afford to be: Boring.
After the runaway success of the Saw franchise, plenty of directors jumped on the gore bandwagon — and while it might work for some horrors lacking in depth and substance, it ain’t gonna work on a Wes Craven, the Godfather of all Slashers, original. His version was dark, uncomfortable, and edge-of-your-seat horrifying. But the 2010 remake? Well, it was what no horror movie can ever afford to be: Boring.
Flatliners
When I heard the Flatliners remake was all systems go, my initial reaction was simply ‘why?’ The original cast made up of an irresistible, long haired Kevin Bacon, a platinum blond Kiefer Sutherland, and a very big-haired and beautiful Julia Roberts cannot be bettered. Flatliners is a sci-fi classic, and no matter what they do with the modern version it will never compete with the chilling charm of the original.
When I heard the Flatliners remake was all systems go, my initial reaction was simply ‘why?’ The original cast made up of an irresistible, long haired Kevin Bacon, a platinum blond Kiefer Sutherland, and a very big-haired and beautiful Julia Roberts cannot be bettered. Flatliners is a sci-fi classic, and no matter what they do with the modern version it will never compete with the chilling charm of the original.
Psycho
Without doubt, the most offensive of all remakes — Gus Van Sant’s shot-for-shot rehashing that merely turned Alfred Hitchcock’s black and white classic into colour. Criminal.
Without doubt, the most offensive of all remakes — Gus Van Sant’s shot-for-shot rehashing that merely turned Alfred Hitchcock’s black and white classic into colour. Criminal.
The Hitcher
A dark, thrilling tale of everyone’s worst nightmare — two young-and-in-love teens pick innocently pick up a hitchhiker who turns out to be a horrifying serial-killer who proceeds to fill their every waking moment with terror. Rutger Hauer is stunning as the psychopathic hitchhiker, but in the remake Sean Bean, try as he might, was never going to match Hauer’s career-best performance. Instead, the 2007 version relied on gratuitous gore instead of spine-tingling suspense to terrify the audience which only resulted in a hot mess.
A dark, thrilling tale of everyone’s worst nightmare — two young-and-in-love teens pick innocently pick up a hitchhiker who turns out to be a horrifying serial-killer who proceeds to fill their every waking moment with terror. Rutger Hauer is stunning as the psychopathic hitchhiker, but in the remake Sean Bean, try as he might, was never going to match Hauer’s career-best performance. Instead, the 2007 version relied on gratuitous gore instead of spine-tingling suspense to terrify the audience which only resulted in a hot mess.
Footloose
A timeless 80s classic with an electrifying soundtrack, and the fancy footwork of a baby-faced Kevin Bacon, films don’t get much better or feel-good than this. So, the remake wasn’t horrible, but the point is there was no point — there was no need to give the original a modern makeover. The new version was ‘sexed-up’ to the eyeballs, which took away from the old-fashioned charisma of the original. Plus, you can’t compete with the Bacon!
A timeless 80s classic with an electrifying soundtrack, and the fancy footwork of a baby-faced Kevin Bacon, films don’t get much better or feel-good than this. So, the remake wasn’t horrible, but the point is there was no point — there was no need to give the original a modern makeover. The new version was ‘sexed-up’ to the eyeballs, which took away from the old-fashioned charisma of the original. Plus, you can’t compete with the Bacon!
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
As a HUGE Tim Burton fan, it pains me to slate one of his films but, sadly, the fantastically bizarre new version couldn’t lace the boots of the 1971 film. Gene Wilder’s Wonka was flawless, his witty one liners were tantamount to the allure and success of the story. The 2005 version ‘Charlie and the Chocolate Factory‘ was, well, just fuckin’ weird, and not in a good way.
As a HUGE Tim Burton fan, it pains me to slate one of his films but, sadly, the fantastically bizarre new version couldn’t lace the boots of the 1971 film. Gene Wilder’s Wonka was flawless, his witty one liners were tantamount to the allure and success of the story. The 2005 version ‘Charlie and the Chocolate Factory‘ was, well, just fuckin’ weird, and not in a good way.
The Vanishing
A stone-cold 1988 Dutch masterpiece as unforgettable as it is extraordinary with THAT famous ending. So yep, of course, they went and remade it — only five years later. But not even an impressive cast of Jeff Bridges, Sandra Bullock and Kiefer Sutherland could save this baby from the depths of disaster. Oh, and they changed the notorious ending. Stick with the original, kids.
A stone-cold 1988 Dutch masterpiece as unforgettable as it is extraordinary with THAT famous ending. So yep, of course, they went and remade it — only five years later. But not even an impressive cast of Jeff Bridges, Sandra Bullock and Kiefer Sutherland could save this baby from the depths of disaster. Oh, and they changed the notorious ending. Stick with the original, kids.
